Innocence

Currently Listening: Athlete - Wires








I was listening to this song and all of a sudden so many thoughts came to me. I felt very lonely. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love this song! But then I think the reason I listen to it every now and then is to keep in touch of my duality that i may mximize my life.

This song (in its technical meaning) tells a story, I presume, about a baby or a life of a human being held on by wires in a hospital. Here the loved one sees everything, sees the suffering of that person and musters all of his/her power to keep that person alive. To chase that person down the corridor leading to the afterlife which everyone seeks for at the end of their journey here on earth. The one watching over the failing life desperately tries to explain how much he/she wants that dying person back and that they would almost offer their own lives for the saftey of the one dying.

Wires is a song very close to my heart for many reasons and the strongest reason is because I am so amazed by all the love curled into each letter of the lyrics. The emotion of the lead singer, Joel Pott, is even more enthralling putting the cherry on top of the whipped cream in the song.

What made me cry tonight was not even the message of the song but how I have not loved anyone and no one has loved me in the way projected in the song. I have had no commitments in my 18 years of living and there is something that is telling me that my innocence is what is making everyone back off. My innocence seems to be a repellant to anyone who finds any interest in me. I am not saying that I want to get rid of this innocence in just a snap of a finger. I want it to have a trace of it still embedded in me until I grow old. My innocence is what keeps me child-like and curious. It helps in my adventure seeking and finding. I do want to gradually be aware of the world and its elements. I want to be romanced, swept off my feet, just like everyone does. I do want the person who'll love me, love me as I am with that innocence. I am becoming a woman though, i do know that. I need some reassurance though that i am a beautiful person in many aspects. I know that I am its just that I need to see it being seen by the eyes of another.

I want to redefine myself everyday. I am what I am but I need to love who I am in all the stages of womanhood. I do advance to another stage all the time. I have to love myself all the time to make people love me all the time. No more insecurites. GOD THIS ENTRY IS SOOOOO FREAKING CONFUSIING HAHAHA! But I still understand it. So many Samanthas are speaking at the same time that so many messages are coming out.

Anyway, main point is, LIVE once again...............

Overwhelmed By Possiblities

There are endless possibilities on creating your own. Anything original is based on one's inspiration and if you look around, you'll see so much inspiration that your head can burst being pampered with too many people or (if i might say) aliens to idolize.... GOSH!

Haha... The reason I have not been able to make my own masterpiece for the past months is because I am enthralled by the whole talent of the human race. We have all created our mini universes and once you delve into one universe you will get warped into another...

I can't keep on making too many lists anymore else nothing will happen, i'll end up making and organizing lists for the rest of my life.... I have to start making the machine run, I have been patching it up for too long that it will never be turned on. How can I see the effect of this 2 year conceptualization if I do not show it to the world and make it experience everything I have been thinking about.

Tomorrow I will start on my first job here in America. I will be working in Subway fastfood. I have been anticipating this first job for the longest time. I've been anticipating tomorrow ever since I set foot here on America about 2 months ago. Now that it has come I feel like dark chocolate. My total freedom will not be that total anymore but I know that this experience will give me an energy boost. I will be a rebooted computer ready to show how quick it will be.

I will be a whole new person this year but I will be the same. Let the paradox speak for itself.

New Year 2008

I have decided to write a journal entry to start off this new year... our new year... This way I can keep track of what I have been blessed with last year and what my dedications are for next year...

2007:

• was over all a great year.
• To describe in one word: Gratifying
• Last year taught me the value of: Patience

Highlights last year:

• Bulit my Spirituality
• Developed a sisterly bond with my siblings
• Was able to become an English teacher and teach Koreans and Filipinos alike
• FELL IN LOVE AND GOT OVER IT
• Was able to study photoshop
• Was able to determine ambition to be a graphic designer/ animator
• Was able to manifest what I truly deeply desire...
• WAS ABLE TO IMMIGRATE TO AMERICA
• Got a soundsystem
• Got a Computer
• Got a Printer
• Got a Job
• Got some books that I wanted...
• REUNITED WITH MY PARENTS

I am filled with joy and positivity for this new year. This is my first new year in The United States and it has been the most different yet. New Years here are generally VERY quiet compared to the Philippines. Only in major cities do they actually have the opportunity to ravishly spend the new year since fireworks are not allowed in unlicensed areas I presume... At home in Pinas you can see people cratign their own happiness everywhere and it is as if everyone is making their own Time Squares as well... Now just to describe how insanely peacful it is right now, it is 2 o clock in the morning and the ONLY noise i hear is the sound of my television while i am writing a blog entry just while the year is starting. My parents are sleeping and I came from a party that started at 7pm. I came home at 11pm.

These are the times when I truly do miss home but experiencing this I like and I expected. It makes me experience relativity and shows me what I want to experience for new years in the following years to come. How I experience the end of this year manifests how I actually feel as a new one commences. I am peaceful. I am content and I am excited...................................................................................................................................................

Resolutions:

• Eat Healthy
• Minimize meat intake
• wake up EARLY
• do not lag and waste time not thinking bout anything at all or just staring blankly into space because if i do i will lose brain cells for sure...
• work harder and live a faster lifestyle to accomplish more within the day
• Dedicate at least 15-30 mins for reading books
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• lose 20 pounds in the first 3 months of the year
• meditate daily before and after sleeping
• practice for American Idol at least 3 times a week
• Sweets and Coffee only twice a month
• Be more sporty
• Keep back straight at all times and use isometrics to develop proper posture
• Create more than gather inspiration
• Develop memory skills
• Be more generous
• Have more money
• Make wise financial decisions
• Keep my surroundings clean and neat
• DO NOT BE LAZY
• Watch more movies
• Be more attentive to everything.. dont keep mind dull...
• LOVE LIFE
• Literally Count my Blessings...
• BE HAPPY (it is a conscious choice to be)

All is well. Lets see whats next now...